The Tormenting Fight With Reality

This post is actually my final essay from my English 2010 University class. My chosen topic was perception versus reality. It's also a little (by a lot) longer than anything I've ever written poetically (7 pages to be exact). I could've put it in either blog due to the nature of the writing and the paper, but I wanted to focus on the hope that can come out of it, so I put it here. Finally, I've used quite of my writing from my other blog, so you may notice repeats, but it fit really well with my essay. Here you go, enjoy!

Voices screaming inside my head, will they ever stop? My heart aches me deep within, the loneliness consumes me. Yearning for relief, I reach out for hope. As my hand touches the glass in front of me, I start to see why people are running from my sight. In my own reflection, I see the wreckage of my nightmares. My hair knotted, clothes tattered and strewn, eyes dismal and dark, with my lifeless body slumped in bloody ruins. I am terrified of the reckless demon, full of rage and fear, staring back at me. Looking down in shame, I start to notice the cold sand slowly filling up the room around me. Panic strikes my heart as the terror and hormones surge through me. I must prepare to fight this night or run with all my might, or so I have been told. Tick Tock, Tick Tock, time is running out. The hourglass is my prison and the sand will not stop flowing. I am drowning in my sea of visions and dreams, nightmares and cages. My last breath holds me captivated as I gaze into the taunting eyes of my enemies who were once merely 
strangers, pointing and laughing at my fate.

**********

Watching that helpless, wretched woman banging mercilessly at the impenetrable glass, I began to chuckle inside my head. How does she not realize the impossibility of her vision of freedom? I see a cowardly lion frantically clawing her way through the tall blades of grass. Why can she not just grow up and mature? The dark and dreadful grassy forest would just be a soft prairie to pounce on and play with the butterflies if only she was wiser. Open your eyes, silly girl. I pity the drapes you dress yourself in. You know what you are worth, dress the part! Stop acting in a play you do not belong in. The stage is no place for a self-harming creature like you, why do you even try? The smug look on my face said it all. I felt pity for the tiny soul, yet she was not worth my time. Those dark eyes never met mine anyway, what is the point? Not a word comes from her mouth when speaking with her and the gloomy spirit that has overtaken her will never go away. No, there is no point. My working father, healthy mother, strong brother, and smart sister certainly deserve my attention more than her. I must move on with my life if I am to enjoy it. She can sink in her own misery for all I care, there is nothing for me here.

These two very different perspectives are from the same scenario. One from the eyes of a soul sinking into despair while the other from a bystander looking in and willing the girl to move forward. Which is real, which is fake? How is one to know when both are blinded by the obvious fact that their reality is as real to them as the sun in the azure sky or the moon in the starlit night? Shannon Alder stated that “defensiveness is usually someone silently screaming that they need you to value and respect them in disguise. When you look for deeper meanings behind someone’s pain you can then begin to heal not only yourself, but others.” If this is the case, why do people turn away those that are defensive? Do they themselves feel torn and shredded to pieces inside, trying to fix their own fragile tapestry of life? I cannot blame them for wanting to hide away from a world consumed in selfish anxiety. Running may be the best option, but with the merciless stampede of life rushing by on the outside and the howling winds of our ghosts on the inside, escape becomes nearly impossible. My own internal devil tears at the very essence that keeps my heart beating and my will to live.

**********

The tears steadily stream down my face, shedding the unending and everlasting pain. Utterly lost and alone, will this heartache never leave me be? Stumbling in the darkness, I only hear my sobbing in the cold and wintery night. Struck down again, wrenching at my throat, anguish and agony seep through my trembling lips. I am no more, nor can I ever be. Knees crashing to the ice, my heart sinks deeper than the earth. Hands trembling, I can only hide my suffering eyes from the empty darkness. Convulsions take over my body as the icy desolation threatens to destroy me to the very core. “Someone said a broken heart would sting at first then make you stronger. You wonder why this pain remains, were hearts made whole just to break?” (BarlowGirl). The wind howls and moans my aching storm from within. All that can possibly comfort me now is my throbbing heart yearning for a spark of light.

Who can tell me whether those agonizing feelings of detachment are true or fake? With what extent do people have the right to define validity? If it is warranted to state that our individual reality is fact, does the same hold true for close friends and family? How about acquaintances or even complete strangers? If one such as Stephen Hawking discovers quantum mechanics, who are we to shun him and prove him wrong? “Stephen Hawking is regarded as one of the most brilliant theoretical physicists since Einstein” (“Stephen Hawking”). One would not question his scientific findings as a fake reality that he needs to mature from, yet we place that same expectation on those fighting with emotions. Why do feelings and intellect get such an opposing view and treatment? Perception is everywhere and those who are unwilling to see it as such miss out on the beauty of it. True understanding and knowledge can be gained if risk is taken by delving into others’ realities. Disease and fear of the unknown did not hold Professor Hawking back from developing his theories and sharing his brilliant mind. We cannot hold back from the majestic opportunities that present themselves simply because we are stubborn or careless. Yet, others that suffer from similar experiences to those I have spoken of hide in fear and shame of the seemingly judging and unethical world they live in. Among them are people such as I that want to scream and run from everything we hold dear and true in our hearts. My mind perceives that there is nothing to live for in my reality unless I seek the dark and solemn world of misery.

Welcome to my reality. Welcome to the pain, torture, and endless torment that seeks to destroy me from the inside out. The world says there are more important things to worry about, I hear that I do not matter in their eyes. They claim there is no reason to understand others, yet I cry myself to sleep and stain my pillows with the tears of sorrow from not being understood. They selfishly wish for people to serve and wait on them, hand and foot, but they do not notice that those people are dead. Suicide is not merely a subject, but a reality. It is a truth that leaves countless corpses lining the dismal streets of a grave and solemn night. The subject stings in our ears, but in the end will pierce the hearts and shoot the brains out of many people around us. These horrific images should shock your mind and leave you with perceived visions of others’ reality. If this is our wish, we must accept these harsh truths. It can be easy to underestimate the effort required when you are not thinking about everything involved. “Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness” (King). In order to truly understand these precious lives, we must set aside our own interests and needs. Focusing on the needs of those suffering around us and paying attention to what they have to say can make a difference between a life spared and a life lost.

The world tries so desperately to place labels and give names to things that are not “normal”. This is when we have terms such as depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, paranoia, and borderline to define abnormal behavior. Similarly, diagnoses such as broken bones, shin splints and epilepsy are also used to describe symptoms in physical health. Why are these treated so vastly different? Why does the world rush to the aid of a person in a wheelchair struggling to get through a door, yet quickly brush past someone else with wet eyes, silently grieving? It can be argued that it is not socially acceptable to scream, yell, and cry in public as an adult, all of which are physical expressions of mental illness. But why, then, is it okay to use crutches in public? What makes one set of actions tolerable over the other when both are symptoms of afflictions? “We judge (people with disabilities) to be selfish, inconsiderate or even burdensome. Yet, were such people suffering from physical illness - say cancer, diabetes or heart disease - we would never imagine saying such a thing for fear of being thought cruel, rude or simply ignorant” (Dan). It is far more interesting to hear the extreme description of a lost limb over the heart wrenching story of a departed mother. Human instinct tells us to be stronger and wiser than everyone else, not vulnerable and pathetic. A broken body is natural and even something to be proud of, but a defective mind is a sign of weakness that terrifies even the strongest of us.

The problem, however is not in these broken minds, but in the shattered world we live in. A world in which freely gives medications and labels as the solution to it’s perceived problems. A medicated mind may be the best solution in certain circumstances, but there is something to be said about reaching out and understanding those who are struggling in the midst of storms and nightmares. This empathetic view can easily be clouded by the raging winds of diagnoses and drugs that long for the daylight of solutions. We must not let our world get so caught up in this fanciful view of a simple and easy cure. No one can truly have all the right answers to fix all the wrong problems, but you have the one answer necessary to help a close friend in need. This is the power of compassion that requires a perceptive and willing heart, open to the many realities around it. This is the true secret to healing that can so easily be overlooked. The simple answer is not in the labelling, but in the individualistic care and love for everyone around us. Many people secretly seek answers and true meaning in life while others are in survival mode. The way you perceive the world and everyone in it are as real as you wish them to be. Put your heart into what you do, otherwise life is shallow and meaningless. Life is all about what you love to do and it is what makes you unique. Do you live to love and love to live or do you wish to die as your wishes die? Is that spark a burning flame of hope and joy? Or is it going to burn you to the ground? “Do not let your difficulties fill you with anxiety, after all, it is only in the darkest nights that stars shine more brightly” (Hazrat Ali Ibn Abu as cited in Cash, 2013). You will find the light at the end of the long, cold night and soar on wings of an eagle straight into the velvet, blue sky that will ignite your life and send you into a bright future.

Works Cited

Alder, Shannon. “Quotable Quote.” Goodreads. Goodreads Inc., 2015. Web. 23 March 2015. BarlowGirl. “Porcelain Heart.” Another Journal Entry. Word Music, 1 Sept 2005. CD. Cash, A. (2013, October 30). Daily Word: Be Not Ashamed of Your Difficulties! Huffington Post. Retrieved from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ash-cash/daily-word-be-notashamed_b_4172748.html. Dan. (August 2). It’s Just Cancer - Get Over It. [Web blog article]. Retrieved from http:// www.lawyerswithdepression.com/articles/its-just-cancer-get-over-it/. King, Martin Luther Jr. “Selfishness Quote.” BrainyQuote. Mode, 2015. Web. 23 March 2015 “Stephen Hawking.” Hawking. n.p., n.d. Web. 23 March 2015.

The Night and Day of Perception

The love I feel is my beating heartbeat that can never be taken away. The very heart that once broke and was shredded to pieces is still aching and longing for the beauty that can be seen when one is in love. My lips will never again part and tell of the pain written in my heart. They are seamlessly stitched together, vying for the attention of a lonely and solemn night. Eyes search deep into the souls of those around me, determining which can be trusted and which I must avoid. Silence keeps me safe, yet the fear keeps me trapped. The beauty that is inside me is silently burning with passion of reverie and peaceful longevity. My imagination drifts off to wonderful places of serendipity and peaceful waves of passion and beauty. The hills that form and outline the silhouette of the sunset can never truly speak of the sun's radiant and glorious bright light. For, as much as the fading sky wishes to be alive, the sun will yet continue to set until the dark gloom of the night surrounds the lake. The rustling of the trees no longer speaks of birds chirping and squirrels playing, but of ghouls lurching and ghosts haunting through the night. Yet, even then, the night can only last for so long. It must end and with it the rising sun will come again. But alas, it will be back and speak yet again of horrors, monsters and demons. Life seems to do that to us. Switching from night to day and bringing it's own individual beauty and unimaginable terrors with it. Nothing you do will change the everlasting cycle. Screaming out in pain or shouting to the dark sky will not make the sun come faster. But laying in the soft grass with the wind gently blowing at your face and wishing desperately for it to last will not keep it from silently disappearing. No, night must come again. The goal is not to change the night to day or change the monsters to butterflies, but rather to change the perception of the horrible or blissful world in which you live. That world can speak of peace or nightmares, the time of day does not change the mode of your mind. Either way, it remains the same, constantly changing and constantly moving. My lifelong wish and dream is to see the beauty of the sparkling stars in the dark and terrifying sky, the place in which I once called home. I am yearning for the time when I can once again call it home, but fear won't take over my body and control my every action and thought. Then, when the day comes again, the feeling in the air is not quite so unique and different to that darkened night. I wish and long for the ability to see light in everything and everyone around me, yet to be objective and not waste my time, expecting it to last forever. I need to keep working on this part of me. I know it's there and I know I can still see it once again, I just cannot be too scared to let it come out. It's there, just don't hide it. You'll be okay, just keep trying and never give up, love.

Sweet Purity

Flying on wings of an eagle, my heart is soaring... Who knew that life could be this good? No, it's not something you can ever express... It's that light... The feeling... The hope... The trust, the love, and most of all, you. You are the masterpiece of a God's creation. Live in every moment. No, not necessarily feel happy, sad, taste the air, see the beauty, or smell the flowers... All of which are still a part of you though. No, it's not about what you have to do or even what you want to do. It's what you LOVE to do. It's what makes you, well, you. Do you live to love and love to live? Or do you wish to die as your wishes die? Is that spark a burning flame of hope? Or is it going to burn you to the ground? For me, I'm on the miraculous journey of finding myself. No, it never ends, but there's a big part of me that I have to find... Who am I? What makes me unique and glorious? What blessings have I received? Then I can truly love. Then I can be everything I was meant for. It's a long and slow journey, one of which I'm only beginning, everything I was meant for, but I've taken that first step. I've recognized so many things that I want to change. I'm finally feeling... Deep inside... Peace, love, hope, and happiness. I feel desires, wants and longing over lost dreams, broken trust, broken heart, and loneliness. There's something very pure deep inside of me. Only I and my Father are truly aware of it. For now, I need to shelter it from the winds. My parents' big, protective shelter has now left and I'm learning how to build this on my own. My own true deep and personal being of which is pure, holy, beautiful... And untouchable by Satan. I will never stop this journey, for I have only begun. Life is getting a new meaning and I'm becoming a new person through it all.

The Leap of Faith

It is so hard to find words for how truly blessed I feel. I'll do my best though because this is probably one of the biggest blessings I have received in a long time, or rather, one that I've noticed.

As I said in my other post, I truly believe that we need to do what makes us happy and the entire goal in life is to be happy and feel love from others and from ourselves. I started out the semester really really stressed. I had 13 credits, 35 work hours, institute, chiropractic and all types of counseling appointments. I was over the brim. But I really felt like I couldn't possibly drop any of it for all kinds of reasons.

I didn't feel like I could drop any work hours because I was so worried about money. I couldn't drop any classes either because they were required to apply to the program, which I had already done. It was incredibly scary, but I ended up deciding to drop my morning job and 2 of my classes. I was worried about my money being lower than it has ever been since just out of high school. I was worried about not getting into my major and having the money that I need to sustain me.

After dropping the classes though, I had a lot more free time to really truly relax and not feel nearly as stressed. I also was able to work 20 hours at my main job rather than just 17. I felt like that decision was good.

Today I called my dad to tell him good news of finding something I had lost for a long time. I was so happy that I found it! He said he was actually just thinking about me. He said that he got a really large check in the mail because I dropped the classes (it was about the same amount I'm losing from not working at the morning job)!! Oh goodness..... Literally such a blessing...

See... I truly felt like Heavenly Father told me that I could do whatever I wanted to do and He would provide the rest when I was trying to decide whether to drop my classes or not. I decided I would feel best if I dropped things. Once I did, not only did I get a check in the mail for the exact amount I would've gotten if I kept the job I dropped, I'm able to work more hours at my other job, have a lot more free time, a lot less stress, and things just seemed to work out all too well for Him not to be involved.

I am a firm believer that Heavenly Father is very involved with every small detail of our lives. He is watching over me because He loves me. I was told recently that He is very aware of how hard I'm trying to work and that He will bless me for it. I know that this is a tiny part of it. I know He is watching over me and that He knows what I really need most. I took that leap of faith and dropped so many things, losing a lot of opportunities, hoping that it'd all work out. It has. In fact, it's working out far better than I could've ever possibly imagined. It just helps me know that I really do matter and that I really can do whatever I want to do as long as I'm doing it to help me feel happy. He cares. I know He does and I trust Him far more than words could ever express. <3

Expectations vs. Reality

I wish I could be as poetic as I usually am, but at times like these, it's best to just say things how they are. Also, I realize that this post is really long. Honestly though, I don't care. This blog is mostly to help me realize how far I've come and to show others that I really do have moments where I'm okay with how things are, I'm progressing, and things aren't always as bad as I like to believe. If these moments are few and far between, I need to make the best of it while I'm experiencing it!
Ever since I've been in college, my entire goal has been to be like everyone else. Ridiculous, I know. I just wanted to do everything that "normal" people could do. I hated thinking that all of my mental health issues were holding me back from everything I truly wanted to do in life. I wanted to do everything! For me, it meant that I needed at least 12 credits, 20 work hours, to stay caught up on all of my homework, eat healthy, exercise regularly, have a social life, get enough sleep, and enjoy life to it's fullest. I wanted to be superwoman!
So, as I filled my life full of nonstop classes, work, and random events, it made no sense to me why I was still unsatisfied. I didn't understand.... I'm doing everything I thought I wanted in life! I'm doing the BEST I possibly can, why does it feel like it's not good enough? Why am I still depressed? What can I possibly be doing wrong? I thought I had this figured out!
Honestly though, that was really unrealistic. I felt like I needed to have my life full of events to possibly be satisfied. I felt like happiness was just around the corner and it should be coming any minute, so why not now? I was having a hard time figuring it out though, because everyone always tells you that you need to be happy now, and that if you don't, you'll never truly be happy. They always say to live in the moment and do the best that you possibly can with what you have. Well, I can't "choose" to be happy when my chemicals are forcing me to be depressed... I can't live in the moment when I have to plan and I'm constantly going to event after event... I've been given this situation and I'm trying to do my best, but I'm still not getting any better... What's wrong with me? I'm trying everything I can possibly think of, why is life so empty and void of emotion and feeling? Is this what life is all about? Pain, misery, and fulfilling activities?
No! If you are feeling those similar thoughts and feelings, please stop now! I know I still don't have a few theories of mine perfectly down, but I'm learning so much more than I have in a long time about myself and how to do what everyone else suggests to really be happy. I finally figured out what it is I really like and need in life and I'm still learning each and every day.
The best place to start was to sort out my priorities. I realized that if I don't have the following 5 things, I'm never going to be happy. Those are the church, love, happiness, physical health, and mental health. I decided that no matter what I did, if I did not have at least 3 or 4 of those, I'm done for. The only problem now is trying to figure out what exactly I need to change to get those things because life is about action. I knew that they cannot land in my lap unless I am willing to do something about it.
The church, being the top priority, is not as complicated as it seems. As long as I try my hardest to pray to my Heavenly Father, read His word, and put myself in places where I can feel His spirit, I should be okay. I want Him in my life and I'm fighting long and hard to keep it that way. Everything else the church asks you to do, yes, they are commandments, but the church can be as simple or complicated as I want to make it. As long as I'm doing the best I can and keeping an open communication with Him, I'm okay. I know He always has, always is, and always will be looking out for me in everything I do, big or small.
Love! Oh love, wonderful love. This is second for a very good reason. Love is the entire reason why anyone is on earth. No, I'm not only referring to romantic love, although that is also something that is important and that I want to gain out of life. I'm more referring to the love that helps heal wounds. The self-sacrificing, ever enduring, long lasting love. The kind that has saved my life on multiple occasions. The kind that helps me feel like maybe I can amount to anything. This love, from family, friends, and, of course, the spirit, is everything to me. If I don't have that, nothing else in my life seems to matter and my depression gets so much worse.
Happiness. Yes, happiness. Yes, I have depression that limits what happiness I can feel. Yes, there are so many times I feel like I just want to give up everything and turn away from life. But I really do believe in the power of living in the moment, changing what you can, and making the best out of what is given to you. When I say live in the moment, this is a big concept that took me so long to grasp. It took me so long because honestly, how can anyone possibly live in the moment with so many things going on?? Here's the trick: if you cannot live in the moment right now, you have too much on your plate. It helps me to lessen the commitments I make so that I truly can think calmly and rationally. No, I don't expect myself to live in every single moment perfectly, but I do want to try my hardest to stop worrying about the past because it robs me of possible future plans. I also cannot worry about the future because I'm creating it as I live in the moment. This takes a lot of practice and cannot be accomplished overnight. When I say to change what you can, I mean it in the sense that if you feel unhappy, change what you can so that you really do feel happy again. I cannot change my mental health as easily as I can change what classes I am taking. I want to change whatever I can and whatever is left, all I can do it see it as a learning experience and try my hardest to grow from it. Also, happiness is not something that you can have 24/7, but it is something that you can try your hardest to attain. Finally, I also need to take into consideration what makes me happy and do them as much as I possibly can. For me, this includes playing piano, exercising, being with other people, watching movies, and playing games while relaxing. As long as I make time in my schedule for those things, happiness should come a lot easier.
Physical health!! Pretty self explanatory, but incredibly necessary. Eating right, getting enough sleep, regular exercise, and personal time to relax are just as important as anything else. This is 4th because it is something I have a lot of control over that affects all areas of my life. Honestly, it's just a matter of scheduling it in and doing it!
Finally, mental health. Right now, I am still trying to work on many different strategies that I can use to feel better. If I fulfill the other 4 things, this should be more manageable. This is also different for everyone. For me though, this is last because I don't have nearly as much control over it and it's such a work in progress. It's the whole reason why I'm making these blogs for crying out loud! Besides, it's a journey that will take time, patience, love, and trust in Heavenly Father's plan that He's always there for me and helping me every step of the way. I know He is and therefore I know I can conquer this. I know that I can make it through this because I see so much strength in myself. If I have made it this long, goodness, I can last another day. If I have fought for precious life this long, there must be something worth living for. That's the beauty of it, I guess :)
Honestly, I could go on and on about so many theories that I have come up with that are very specific to me and very general for everyone. But at this point, I'm still figuring things out. No, I am not perfect, nor can I ever be. I'm just doing the best I can :) Like the quote says, everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end. So learn to love, live in the moment, make the best with what you have, and be the best you possibly can be :) <3

My Beginning

Fighting depression and all of my other mental illnesses has got to be the hardest thing in my life. I'm constantly fighting myself on all levels. To get a better idea of that, you can view my other blog thedarknightofmysoul.blogspot.com. But, through fighting, I've learned so much about myself. I have such a spirit about me that will fight through any length to come out the other side. I wanted to start this blog because of those 2 tigers inside of me. I know there's someone in here that wants to escape and be free and this is my opportunity to let that shine whenever I see it. I want to use this blog to depict how beautiful I truly believe life is. I want to come out of this stronger than ever before and I know that I can. I have faith, especially in my Savior and my Heavenly Father. I am LDS and I am proud of it. As such, this blog will be incredibly personal, and I would greatly appreciate it if you were to treat it as such. I would hope that you have the same respect that I would show towards you and any of your work. My aim in this blog is to show my fight through this struggle, but how truly amazing it can help you become. I want to prove to myself and to others that things really do get better. I've heard everyone say that it does and for now, that's really hard to believe. I hope that this serves as the purpose intended and I hope that it helps everyone else out there that are so ready to give up... Please don't... I've been down that road and I promise that this is far better. This is what I truly believe. This is my story.