I wish I could be as poetic as I usually am, but at times like these, it's best to just say things how they are. Also, I realize that this post is really long. Honestly though, I don't care. This blog is mostly to help me realize how far I've come and to show others that I really do have moments where I'm okay with how things are, I'm progressing, and things aren't always as bad as I like to believe. If these moments are few and far between, I need to make the best of it while I'm experiencing it!
Ever since I've been in college, my entire goal has been to be like everyone else. Ridiculous, I know. I just wanted to do everything that "normal" people could do. I hated thinking that all of my mental health issues were holding me back from everything I truly wanted to do in life. I wanted to do everything! For me, it meant that I needed at least 12 credits, 20 work hours, to stay caught up on all of my homework, eat healthy, exercise regularly, have a social life, get enough sleep, and enjoy life to it's fullest. I wanted to be superwoman!
So, as I filled my life full of nonstop classes, work, and random events, it made no sense to me why I was still unsatisfied. I didn't understand.... I'm doing everything I thought I wanted in life! I'm doing the BEST I possibly can, why does it feel like it's not good enough? Why am I still depressed? What can I possibly be doing wrong? I thought I had this figured out!
Honestly though, that was really unrealistic. I felt like I needed to have my life full of events to possibly be satisfied. I felt like happiness was just around the corner and it should be coming any minute, so why not now? I was having a hard time figuring it out though, because everyone always tells you that you need to be happy now, and that if you don't, you'll never truly be happy. They always say to live in the moment and do the best that you possibly can with what you have. Well, I can't "choose" to be happy when my chemicals are forcing me to be depressed... I can't live in the moment when I have to plan and I'm constantly going to event after event... I've been given this situation and I'm trying to do my best, but I'm still not getting any better... What's wrong with me? I'm trying everything I can possibly think of, why is life so empty and void of emotion and feeling? Is this what life is all about? Pain, misery, and fulfilling activities?
No! If you are feeling those similar thoughts and feelings, please stop now! I know I still don't have a few theories of mine perfectly down, but I'm learning so much more than I have in a long time about myself and how to do what everyone else suggests to really be happy. I finally figured out what it is I really like and need in life and I'm still learning each and every day.
The best place to start was to sort out my priorities. I realized that if I don't have the following 5 things, I'm never going to be happy. Those are the church, love, happiness, physical health, and mental health. I decided that no matter what I did, if I did not have at least 3 or 4 of those, I'm done for. The only problem now is trying to figure out what exactly I need to change to get those things because life is about action. I knew that they cannot land in my lap unless I am willing to do something about it.
The church, being the top priority, is not as complicated as it seems. As long as I try my hardest to pray to my Heavenly Father, read His word, and put myself in places where I can feel His spirit, I should be okay. I want Him in my life and I'm fighting long and hard to keep it that way. Everything else the church asks you to do, yes, they are commandments, but the church can be as simple or complicated as I want to make it. As long as I'm doing the best I can and keeping an open communication with Him, I'm okay. I know He always has, always is, and always will be looking out for me in everything I do, big or small.
Love! Oh love, wonderful love. This is second for a very good reason. Love is the entire reason why anyone is on earth. No, I'm not only referring to romantic love, although that is also something that is important and that I want to gain out of life. I'm more referring to the love that helps heal wounds. The self-sacrificing, ever enduring, long lasting love. The kind that has saved my life on multiple occasions. The kind that helps me feel like maybe I can amount to anything. This love, from family, friends, and, of course, the spirit, is everything to me. If I don't have that, nothing else in my life seems to matter and my depression gets so much worse.
Happiness. Yes, happiness. Yes, I have depression that limits what happiness I can feel. Yes, there are so many times I feel like I just want to give up everything and turn away from life. But I really do believe in the power of living in the moment, changing what you can, and making the best out of what is given to you. When I say live in the moment, this is a big concept that took me so long to grasp. It took me so long because honestly, how can anyone possibly live in the moment with so many things going on?? Here's the trick: if you cannot live in the moment right now, you have too much on your plate. It helps me to lessen the commitments I make so that I truly can think calmly and rationally. No, I don't expect myself to live in every single moment perfectly, but I do want to try my hardest to stop worrying about the past because it robs me of possible future plans. I also cannot worry about the future because I'm creating it as I live in the moment. This takes a lot of practice and cannot be accomplished overnight. When I say to change what you can, I mean it in the sense that if you feel unhappy, change what you can so that you really do feel happy again. I cannot change my mental health as easily as I can change what classes I am taking. I want to change whatever I can and whatever is left, all I can do it see it as a learning experience and try my hardest to grow from it. Also, happiness is not something that you can have 24/7, but it is something that you can try your hardest to attain. Finally, I also need to take into consideration what makes me happy and do them as much as I possibly can. For me, this includes playing piano, exercising, being with other people, watching movies, and playing games while relaxing. As long as I make time in my schedule for those things, happiness should come a lot easier.
Physical health!! Pretty self explanatory, but incredibly necessary. Eating right, getting enough sleep, regular exercise, and personal time to relax are just as important as anything else. This is 4th because it is something I have a lot of control over that affects all areas of my life. Honestly, it's just a matter of scheduling it in and doing it!
Finally, mental health. Right now, I am still trying to work on many different strategies that I can use to feel better. If I fulfill the other 4 things, this should be more manageable. This is also different for everyone. For me though, this is last because I don't have nearly as much control over it and it's such a work in progress. It's the whole reason why I'm making these blogs for crying out loud! Besides, it's a journey that will take time, patience, love, and trust in Heavenly Father's plan that He's always there for me and helping me every step of the way. I know He is and therefore I know I can conquer this. I know that I can make it through this because I see so much strength in myself. If I have made it this long, goodness, I can last another day. If I have fought for precious life this long, there must be something worth living for. That's the beauty of it, I guess :)
Honestly, I could go on and on about so many theories that I have come up with that are very specific to me and very general for everyone. But at this point, I'm still figuring things out. No, I am not perfect, nor can I ever be. I'm just doing the best I can :) Like the quote says, everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end. So learn to love, live in the moment, make the best with what you have, and be the best you possibly can be :) <3
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